The weekly visit from Grandma has arrived! Don’t get me wrong, I love my Grandma dearly, however having to entertain her with my weekly trials and tribulations (whilst trying not to sound a complete failure) after a late night Prosecco binge is never a good idea!
After a pathetic attempt to spruce myself up to an appropriate appearance level, (clean pants and strictly NO pyjamas!), here I am, trying to deliver some sorry excuse of an afternoon tea (I knew my Marks and Spencer tea pot would come to the rescue) with mini food… what is the actual point of mini food? Other than giving you the opportunity to eat double the calories in one sitting (slimming world WILL be pleased).
Now, I am not sure what other Grandmas are like, but mine will under NO CIRCUMSTANCES, drink tea from a mug, strictly cup and saucer ONLY!! After many attempts to get her to try out of my ‘smaller mugs’, to no avail, I finally had to find some sort of a solution as pouring half a mug placed on a dinner plate was just not going to suffice!
So last week, courtesy of work I am casually travelling to London via train. After traumatically getting wedged in the train toilets for a good 5 minutes and performing several risky yoga positions to release myself, having the wrong ticket and realising the train was out of wine, I settled for tea. And voila!!! Problem solved…. I shall simply ask to buy a Grand Central teacup and saucer!! Feeling what I can only describe as ‘scruffy’, I plucked up the courage to ask the train conductor to buy one, after explaining I have one very particular 87 year old grandma on a weekly promise… £15 later….feeling robbed of all my dignity, I left the train… but I HAD A TEACUP AND SAUCER!!! RESULT!!
Needless to say, it now has pride place in the cupboard (next to 25 wine glasses) and quite frankly, I now feel a new connection to Grand Central!
GOOD GOD, HAVE I MISSED SOMETHING? ‘How does it feel to be married?’ If I have heard this once, I have heard it a million times!! Should something have happened? Was there a transition period that I missed? I always answer ‘Ermmm exactly the same really’.
Then I think… I’ll tell you what it is like to be married. It’s spending half the day discussing what we are having for tea. Its asking why, for the third time this week, he has washed clothes with towels… WHY??? It’s shaving your legs for a special occasion….Christmas, Easter, those kind of times. It’s spending a night watching Netflix, with ACTUAL chills and having a specific side to the sofa, and god help him if you find him sat in your spot. It’s taking deep breaths at any opportunity.
It’s the sexy texts turning into ‘Did you lock the door?’ ‘WHY are your pants on the floor AGAIN?’ ‘The cat has puked all over the bed…sorry’, ‘Why have you bought another hideous Disney pair of pyjamas…you already have 5 pairs!!’
So I ask myself again… How does it feel to be married?
Despite living with an overgrown baby who requires 24 hour reassurance and encouragement to enable him to function to an acceptable standard in real life without being detained, it’s not so bad. I have a best friend who is willing to walk with me on this crazy, unknown journey where none of us have a bleeding clue. Wish us luck!
After a long and exhausting week, apparently there is nothing better than a nice cold glass of wine(despite only being 4pm!) So, I thought I would do the sisterly duty of tootling off to the shop to buy a bottle for the Friday night fiascos!
Not only did I realise that I was wearing sweatpants, Jesus sandals and my husbands socks (not a good look when trying to remain professional) once I arrived at the shop, there was a specific wine my sister wanted. Now I am a spirit drinker, easy to choose and EASY TO FIND!! After raking through 4 aisles of New Zealand wine, 5 phone calls to try and decipher how on earth you spell this stupid wine, one lovely lady trying to help with her 5 year old in tow and the shop lady thinking ‘Good God what on EARTH do you look like?’ (I could tell by her eyes), I resided to the fact that wine is wine and no one cares what it tastes like at the end of the bottle! So I picked the nearest wine which was over £5 (as I have been told good wine costs more than a fiver), and waddled off to the till.
Trying to maintain any dignity I had left I tried to pay contactless (because no one needs a PIN these days)- Great! Then BAM, the machine didn’t work! Low and behold, it was my sisters bank card, so not only did I not know the PIN, I had to call her at the till! Mrs old lady behind me tutting, waiting impatiently to buy her 60 Marlboro cigarettes for her Friday night TV was slowly pressing her basket into my leg….that….kind…of….hurts!!!
Phew….back in the car…wine in bag…drive the whole 300m home and we are off! But what’s that…get home to a random cat in my kitchen helping itself to my homemade slimming world quiche…give me strength…and its only 4:45pm!!!!
Believe it or not I am quite the foodie given the chance, although you would be forgiven for thinking I am nothing more than a disgusting skip rat living in a mobile dustbin after I tell you about my shameful week on the road. So I work fairly long hours and do a great deal of travelling to construction sites as part of my job. As best as I try to live a healthy lifestyle sometimes it’s just so damn hard!
Well there is nothing worse than dragging yourself out of bed at the crack of dawn and driving to what feels like the ends of the earth. More often than not I’m not in the mood for breakfast at that time and will have all the best intentions of making a “healthy smoothie” and drinking it on the way to site. I say to you readers, who the hell wants to ingest a potent green concoction resembling Slimer out of Ghost Busters with the consistency of sewage sludge at that time of the day? Not me. No thank you!
Anyway, I always reach the stage of “Hangry” by about 0930, so just by chance, Home Bargains (other low cost vendors are available) had multipacks of mini cheddars for a pound! I thought I’ll have some of that! To cut a long story short my emergency travel breakfast for the entirety of this week has been a packet of mini cheddars and costa coffee! Not sure of the nutritional value in either but it sure did fill a hole. I look to you fellow bloggers to point me in the direction of mini cheddars anonymous. Needless to say, this is not how I saw my “glamorous” life panning out #living the dream.
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